Why is This so Difficult for Me?

I’m fiercely independent. My parents say I came into the world that way. And while it’s a character trait that has largely served me well, it certainly has it’s drawbacks. When I’m in a position to need help/encouragement/whatever, I’m TERRIBLY uncomfortable accepting it and almost NEVER ask for it.

When the triplets were born, there was an amazing group of people at our church who offered to provide around-the-clock support…not just because I had triplets but because I had some pretty serious complications myself. I refused the evening and night-time help because I felt awful about expecting someone else to lose sleep helping us. I felt guilty enough when it was our moms there helping at night. I needed to be able to do it myself. Several women offered to handle all of our laundry, but I didn’t let them do that either. I kept telling myself that they probably had plenty to handle at their own houses and I didn’t want to further burden them. Offers of help were constantly coming in and I turned many of them down. When the daytime helpers did come, I always felt rude to leave everything in their hands while I caught up on sleep. I just couldn’t accept the assistance. And yet, I was drowning much of that time. Postpartum depression was kicking my tail and I was more exhausted than I’ve ever been. So why couldn’t I just grab one of the lifelines caring friends were throwing me?

I fractured my knee in 2 places Monday. I’m in a reinforced immobilizing brace that keeps my right leg straight from thigh-to-ankle. I can only remove it long enough to shower. My clotting disorder makes it also necessary to take precautions against getting clots (blood-thinner injections) since I’m having to be immobile so much right now. The recovery is likely to be at least 6 weeks. And on day 2, I’m already miserable. Not from the pain (though it sure doesn’t feel great). No…I’m a mess because I can’t handle the thoughts of having to be dependent on other folks. I hate that my dad is having to transport the kids to and from school. I hate that we’ve had to move in with my parents so they can help with the children and with me. I hate that I can’t take substitute teacher jobs to help with the finances, so that’s all on hubby again. I feel terrible about being such a burden to them (though I obviously know they don’t see me that way). And when my incredible friends call to see what they can do to help us, I freeze. I panic. I don’t know what to tell them. I get stuck in my own weirdness.

What is wrong with me?!?! Ugh.

The thing is, I love how it makes me feel to do for others. It is an enormous blessing to be able to prepare a meal for a friend who is sick or to offer childcare to a mom who has her hands full. I’m essentially robbing people of that blessing by not letting them do for me. So in my trying not to be selfish, I’m being just that. Grr…sure is complicated. Wish I could just be normal. Normal-ish at least.

This is just another reason I am grateful for blogging. For some stupid reason, I’m much better at being vulnerable/real/whatever in writing. So this is the closest many of you real-life friends will get to seeing me admit to needing help. And also, most of you know I’m not the huggy-type. And yet…I have no problem freely sharing virtual hugs à la ((hug)). So friends, ((hug)). Thanks for being there for me even when I try to push you away. I do love you. Honest I do.

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